9 Times Out Of 10 The Guests Come For The Cake And Not For You!
by SpeedForceSpeedster
Summary: The Shinsengumi and the Yorozuya are forced to work together on the Shogun's secret commoner birthday party, and if that wasnt bad enough a bizarre cake bought by Kondo causes some pretty severe changes in them.
1. Spare A Thought For 4-eyes!

**My God, I love Gintama so much! This is an idea I had while watching the 'live action' openings in Gintama, which I found so funny I spat water all over my bed :D**

**DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN GINTAMA...YET. BUT I SHALL MARRY GORACHI, I MEAN SORACHI-SENSEI SOMEDAY!**

Spare a Thought For Four-Eyes When Wearing 3-D Glasses!

_Camera cuts to a shot of 'live-action' Gin-san and Kagura_

**Gin-san: **Ah konbanwa everyone! Welcome to Gintama Live-action in 3-D! Wow!

**Shinpachi: **Wow nothing you ass! It's still as 2-D as ever! Who the hell are you trying to kid?! Actually, who the hell are you talking to in the first place? This isn't a freaking chat-show. This isn't Hey! Hey! Hey! you know! Can't we go an episode without destroying the fourth wall?! And why say konbanwa? It's morning _here_ as we speak. The sun only just came up! So why Good Evening?! Stop trying to make everything difficult! God damn it, I'm already sick of this!

**Gin-san: **Patsuan, calm down. Gintama is international! Hello viewers in Kafbujkiupp27! I hope you enjoy our 3D special today!

**Shinpachi:** What the hell! That place obviously doesn't exist. 27? Which country in this universe would end with 27?! If you're going to make up a country at least make it freaking believable! It's like you aren't even trying! And I already said that this thing isn't in 3D!

**Gin-san: **Oh ho ho! Shinpachi-kun of course this doesn't look 3D from OUR perspective. You see, even if my joystick appears in its 2D form over here it will emerge as a 3D Behemoth on their end. Observe! Zipppp!

**Shinpachi: **Don't you 'Oh ho ho' me! Behemoth my ass! Your joystick is nothing but a level 1 monster! Even a squire can cut it down! And 'zipppp' my ass! You just said the word and didn't do anything!

**Kagura: **Zippppp!

**Shinpachi: **Oi don't you start Kagura-chan! Besides, you wouldn't be able to summon a Behemoth even if you did unzip!

**Gin-san: **Tsk tsk. How vulgar of you Patsuan. She's just an innocent child.

**Shinpachi: **ARGHHH! SHUT UP YOU DEVIL HAIRED BASTARD! DON'T MAKE ME OUT TO BE A SICKO! Ah…I'm already tired of this 'Live-action' I don't even get an appearance. I'm just a faceless voice. Now I know how Daisuke-san feels…

**Kagura**: What the hell are you talking about Shinpachi?! You are here!

**Shinpachi**: Kagura-chan…

**Gin-san: **Kagura's right Shinpachi. You're an important member of the Yorozuya, no way we would leave you out!

**Shinpachi: **You can try and butter me up all you like but at the end of the day I know it's just going to be a pair of glasses like usual…

_The television screen slowly scrolls upward from the grass to show a pair of Shinpachi-like feet, and then Shinpachi-like legs._

**Shinpachi:** EH?! I'm actually getting an appearance after all?! This is great!

_The television screen scrolls up a little more and reveals that the legs end just below where the joystick would be in a flat surface. A pair of glasses stand on top of the Shinpachi leg-stand._

**Shinpachi: **WHAAAAAT?! I FREAKING KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE! IS THAT REALLY WHAT YOU THINK I AM?! GLASSES ON LEGS?! AND COULDN'T YOU HAVE AT LEAST LEFT IN THE MOST IMPORTANT PART! ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY THAT I'M JUNKLESS TOO?! SCREW THIS, I'M LEAVING!

_The screen now shows an empty pair of legs. The spectacles have left._

**Shinpachi: **So the legs were pointless to begin with?! What the hell was the point in even including them in the first place you stupid idiotsssss?! As usual you bastards are just saying I'm glasses!

**Gin-san: **Everyone. Please forgive Shinpachi-kun. He's just very excited about being shown in 3D! Now we invite you to please enjoy this series…

**Shinpachi: **The hell I am! How many times do I have to tell you that this shit isn't in 3D?! And do you mean to tell me that this 'live-action' actually served no purpose whatsoever?! This has nothing to do with anything?! So you're basically just casually wasting everyone's time with this?!

**Kagura: **The author really wanted to make a live-action thing like in the anime. She's even humming the music right now. Du du du du du du.

**Shinpachi: **That sounds nothing like the music. That's from D*raemon isn't it?! Stop humming D*raemon! And that thing makes an appearance again?!

**Gin-san: **Careful Shinpachi. Don't call the author a 'thing' or a 'that'. It can do things to you remember.

**Shinpachi**: Eh? Didn't you just refer to her as an 'it' yourself? Take your own freaking advice you moron!

**Kagura: **I'm scared. Four-eyed Bastard can even give us all perms…see.

_The screen shows Shinpachi (glasses) with a perm._

**Shinpachi**_**: **_Why meeee?! That just looks so freaking stupid! And didn't you just call her 'Four eyed Bastard' and get away with it?! Why the hell does she let you off and punish me instead?! Does she hate me?!

**Gin-san:** Feh. For some reason Takoyaki likes you almost as much as she like me. Baka.

**Shinpachi: **Takoyaki?! What the hell does that have to do with anything!? Now you're just calling her random things?! Seriously why does she let you get away with calling her an idiot and I'm permed for it?

**Gin-san: **Patsuan, Patsuan, Patsuan. Isn't it obvious? To-L*ve Ru Darkness is an M.

**Shinpachi: **Don't bring To-L*ve Ru Darkness into this! This is seriously getting ridiculous now! And an M? Are you stupid? She obviously gets a thrill from picking on me! She's clearly an S! So she's an S and an M? She may as well be you Gin-san. You're both perverts!

**Kagura: **Unko is just an idiot.

**Shinpachi: **Now she's shit?! I've had enough. Can we just get this over and done with?

**Gin-san: **Oi, you heard him! Roll film kono yaro!

_Screen cuts to black and the opening theme begins!_

* * *

**I have so much fun writing Gintama fics that it's unbelievable. But I do tend to involve myself all the time lol just like Sorachi sensei! I have never wanted to marry a man/Gorilla so much in my entire life. I'd even take up nose-picking to please him!**

**If anyone didnt understand any of the references in the fic then feel free to pm me or ask in a review. Oh, and please _do_ review****...it makes me update faster!**


	2. Ring Like a Man Dammit!

**Is it bad that I read some of these Gintama fics back and laugh?**

**I decided to focus on the script layout again because I think it suits the humour of Gintama best. That and I'm actually as lazy and unproductive as Gin-san…**

**This is the first actual chapter of what is going to be a loooooooong series and I hope you enjoy it as much as I enjoyed reading it!**

**DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN GINTAMA, BECAUSE IT WOULD BE CRAP IF I WROTE IT!**

Nobody Likes a Whiney Alarm Clock! Ring Like A Man!

_Shinsengumi Headquarters. 5:30 am. Hijikata Toushirou, idiot Vice Commander of the Shinsengumi is already up practicing his __'__swordsmanship__'__ *snort*. Die Hijikata!_

**Hijikata**: OI! WHAT THE HELL?! IS THAT YOU SOUGO, YOU DAMN BASTARD?! I'LL KILL YOU!

**Okita**: Tch

_Okita Sougo, who is fast asleep does not know what Hijibaka Toushirou is talking about._

**Hijikata**: Bastard! It's obviously you Sougo! That 'tch' gave you away! Are you an idiot?! Wait a minute….SOUGO! DON'T RIDICULE A MAN'S NAME BASTARD! 'HIJIBAKA?! THE ONLY BAKA HERE IS YOU!

_Hijikata__'__s outburst is interrupted by a loud alarm._

**Alarm**: **BEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOO! BEEEOOOOOSHUUBAAADAABOP!**

**Hijikata**: THE ALARM?! WAIT A DAMN MINUTE…WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ALARM SUPPOSED TO BE?! SHUBADABOP? IS IT HOPING FOR A CAREER IN BLUES SINGING? IT'S JUST A DRUNKEN OLD MAN WHO CANT CARRY A TUNE!

**Alarm: ****COUGHHHHHH! COUGHHHHHH!**

**Hijikata**: WHAT THE FUCK?! IS THE ALARM REALLY AN OLD MAN?! DID WE HIRE SOMEONE'S GRANDFATHER AS OUR ALARM OR SOMETHING?! HE'S GONE FROM A DRUNK OLD MAN SINGING KARAOKE TO AN OLD MAN WITH A PHLEGMY COUGH?!

**Alarm**: **NOW COUGH ONCE FOR ME KATO SAN!**

**Hijikata: **WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?! NOW IT'S HIS DOCTOR?!

**Alarm: ****GOSH! YOUR HANDS ARE COLD DOCTOR!**

**Hijikata**: SHUT UPPPPPP! I HAVE NO INTEREST IN THIS MAN'S FUCKING LIFE STORY!

**Alarm: ****KEN-SAN IT****'****S TOO SOON FOR YOU TO LEAVE! DON****'****T LEAVE ME!**

**Hijikata**: EHHH?! IT'S KATO-KEN?! WHAT THE HELL?! IS THE ALARM TELLING KATO-KEN'S FUTURES?! WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED BETWEEN THE LAST TWO ALARMS?! IS THE ALARM PROPHESISING THEIR DEATHS?! KATO-KEN! I BEG YOU, BOTH OF YOU GO SEE A DOCTOR!

_Running as if the fate of mayonnaise rests in his hands, the Demon Vice-Commander of the Shinsengumi eventually encounters Okita Sougo, leisurely making his way to the Commander__'__s room._

**Okita**: Go die Hijikata.

**Hijikata: **Don't say it like its 'good morning' you bastard! And get moving damn it! We don't have time for you to 'leisurely' make your way to Kondo-san's room! When exactly are you planning on arriving?!

**Okita: **Hijikata-san. I cant go any faster than this. The stage directions say so.

**Hijikata**: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! You were casually playing around with them earlier and now all of a sudden you cant go against them?!

**Okita**: Hijikata-san. I have no idea what you're talking about.

_Okita Sougo, his eyes glinting with enthusiasm points the bazooka towards the idiot vice commander and takes his shot. Hijikata explodes into tiny pieces of flesh and his mayonnaise blood sprays everywhere._

**Hijikata: **FUCK YOU SOUGO! STOP FUCKING AROUND AND GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR! THE HELL YOU CANT GO AGAINST THE STAGE DIRECTIONS!

**Okita: **Tch.

**Alarm: ****I****'****M HERE FOR THE MONEY YOUR HUSBAND OWED ME! NOW PAY UP BITCH OR I****'****LL BREAK YOUR KID****'****S KNEECAPS!**

**Hijikata**: THIS AGAINNNN?! Just what the hell did Kato-Ken do before they died! This alarm is seriously pissing me off! It's making me curious damn it!

_Hijikata and Sougo arrive at the Commander__'__s room and burst through the door._

**Hijikata**: Kondo-san! What's going on?! Is headquarters under attack?!

_Isao Kondo is seated at his desk, chin resting on his entwined hands. His face is uncharacteristically serious._

**Kondo**: Toushi! Okita! Calm down. It's a serious matter that I called you here for…

**Hijikata: **Is the city under attack then?! What's happened?

**Sougo: **It must be the EVA's Hijikata-san.

**Hijikata: **WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?! STOP FUCKING AROUND SOUGO! WE HAVE A SERIOUS PROBLEM HERE! Actually…Kondo-san you never got to tell me what's going on.

**Kondo: **Toushi…

_Kondo__'__s face is deadly serious; like Picc*lo__'__s face in pretty much all the screen time he has in Dr*gonball Z._

**Hijikata**: Yeah, what is it Kondo-san? Do I need to call the men?

**Kondo: **Toushi….I…HELP ME! MY LEGS FELL ASLEEP! MY LEGS ARE AS WEAK AS A STEREOTYPICAL SHOUJO HEROINE! SAVE ME MY PRINCE!

**Hijikata**:…..You mean to tell me…all this time…YOU SOUNDED THE FUCKING ALARM FOR THAT STUPID REASON?! YOU RAISED THE ALARM…THE ALARM THAT SOUNDS ALL OVER EDO AS A WARNING BECAUSE YOUR LEGS FELL ASLEEP?! WHAT THE HELL!? ARE YOU STUPID?!

**Kondo: **T-t-that's not it Toushi! With my legs like this I cant run awayyyy! HELP MEEEEEEE!

**Hijikata: **What the hell are you talking about Kondo-san?! Run away from what?!

**Sougo: **Hijikata-san.

_Hijikata turns and looks at Sougo. Sougo is pointing at the ceiling where a gargantuan spider is huddling in the corner, drool dripping from is massive pincers. Hijikata, face pale, draws his sword a second later._

**Hijikata**: What the hell is that thing?! How the hell did it get in here?!

**Sougo: **The window is open Hijikata-san.

**Hijikata: **Look at the size of that thing! You seriously think that thing could crawl in through that tiny window?! That monster is the size of V*geta's ego!

**Sougo: **Tch…another Dragonball Z reference. Dragonball Z fetish…

**Hijikata**: OI! Sougo! Stop picking on the author and help me take this thing down! You can do that later!

**Sougo: **Tch.

_Annoyed at Hijikata__'__s order Sougo sighs, annoyance clear in his voice, and draws his own katana with an annoyed expression that shows how annoyed he is._

**Hijikata: **STOP THAT! I DON'T GIVE A FUCK HOW ANNOYED YOU ARE! PROTECT KONDO-SAN AND TAKE THIS THING DOWN!

**Spider: **OH,WAIT PLEASE….BLEUGH!

_With both of their effort, within moments the monster is defeated easily. Very easily in fact._

**Hijikata: **What the fuck?! Why the hell was the 'gargantuan monster' so fucking weak?! What is he, a slime? Was he actually a slime from Dr*gon Quest in disguise?! And why the hell could it talk?

**Kondo: **Toushi! Okita! You saved me! Thank you!

**Hijikata: **Stop crying Kondo-san! There's something seriously wrong here! And turn that fucking alarm off already!

_Kondo nods in agreement and turns off the Kato-ken.._

**Hijikata**: The fuck?! Are you trying to make 'Kato-Ken' sound like siren on purpose?

**Sougo: **The author's jokes are almost as tasteless as mayonnaise. Choke on mayonnaise and die Hijikata.

**Hijikata: **Push a spike through your anus and jump off a cliff Sougo.

_Hijikata and Sougo are interrupted by the presence of Matsudaira as he enters the room. He fails to see the massive mess on the ceiling where the spider corpse remains even after death._

**Matsudaira: **Oi Kondo. Have you seen the ambassador of party organization? He's supposed to be organizing the Shogun's commoner style birthday party.

**Hijikata: **What kind of useless ambassador is that?! What kind of government are we protecting here?!

**Sougo: **Good Morning sir! How are your family this fine morning?

**Hijikata: **OI! DON'T TRY TO BLATANTLY GAIN FAVOUR HERE BASTARD!

_Matsudaira, who is still half asleep because of his debauchery the previous night, ignores Hijikata and Sougo._

**Matsudaira: **A fine night…

**Hijikata**: Oi! Is this guy really in charge of a government faction?! He's the type of guy we should be locking up!

**Kondo: **Eh? Ambassador of Party Organization? No other human has entered this room this morning except for us four.

_Matsudaira scratches his chin and contemplates how soft Erika-chan__'__s breasts were the previous night and also how hard her punches were when he touched them in the first place._

**Hijikata**: TOO MUCH INFORMATION DAMN IT! KEEP ON TRACK OLD MAN! SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE PRACTICALLY ASKING ME TO ARREST YOU HERE!

**Matsudaira: **Well you wouldn't have seen a human in the first place seeing as he's from Planet Arachnia.

_Hijikata and even Sougo__'__s faces pale when they realize their mistake. Kondo, who still doesn__'__t understand due to his primitive gorilla brain, sits behind his desk with a vacant expression on his face._

**Hijikata: **So…so he was…

**Sougo: **He was a spiderman? Pfft.

**Hijikata**: DAMN IT SOUGO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY!

_Kondo, finally realising what__'__s going on, proceeds to vomit behind his desk._

**Matsudaira: **Ho ho! Kondo! You must have had too much to drink at that club last night!

**Hijikata**: YOU WERE THERE TOO KONDO-SAN!? IS NO ONE PURE IN THE SHINSENGUMI?! ALL OF YOU SHOULD COMMIT SEPPUKU!

**Matsudaira: **Sougo here was practically forcing those drinks on us after all.

**Hijikata: **SOUGO! SO ALL THIS IS YOUR FAULT?! WHY THE HELL WERE YOU THERE TOO?! WERE YOU TRYING TO GET THEM ON YOUR SIDE YOU BASTARD?!

**Sougo**: Hijikata-san. Don't be mad because you weren't invited.

**Hijikata**: I STAYED HERE ALL NIGHT TO DO ALL THE PAPERWORK YOU LEFT BEHIND YOU BASTARD! YOU SAID YOUR PET DIED!

**Sougo: **My pet poop Toushirou did die. I was celebrating his life.

**Hijikata**: Don't name your fucking pets after me you bastard! And who the hell even considers a turd a pet in the first place. Don't say 'poop' like you would say 'pooch'! Those two things aren't even on the same level! Get that brain checked out you crazy bastard!

**Matsudaira: **So he hasn't been here then?

**Kondo**: I…guh…you see….bleurghhhhhhh. I bleurghhhhh haven't bluguhguhguhguh…

**Hijikata**: DON'T TALK IN THE MIDDLE OF VOMITING! PICK ONE DAMMIT!

**Sougo: **Sir. I saw him on my way over here. He was leaving in a hurry, saying something about making his wife a widow. I think he had problems sir.

_Hijikata, catching on to Sougo__'__s reasonable plan (for the first time ever) plays along._

**Hijikata**: Now that Sougo mentions it. I saw it, I mean him, leaving as well. He was in a hurry and was mumbling something like "I cant organize the shogun's party. I have no faith in my skills. The responsibility is too much for my eight arms and legs to bear."

**Kondo: **That's right. Now that you mention it. He told Toushi to organize in his place!

_The room, startled by Kondo__'__s stupidity, grows quiet. Hijikata looks at him angrily while Sougo looks amused._

**Matsudaira**: Is that so? Well then. Get to it Toushi! You have a day to get everything done. This is the shogun after all, nothing but the best is acceptable! Make it the best commoner style birthday party possible or its on your heads…or should I say off your heads ha ha ha.

_Matsudaira leaves the other men, smile on his face as he thinks about Saki__'__s tight buttocks. Kondo has yet to realize his mistake and smiles simply at Hijikata. Sougo is laughing cheerfully at Hijikata__'__s expense._

**Sougo**: Pfffffttttttt.

**Hijikata**:…..

**Kondo: **Toushi! Okita! We have a party to put together! Let's get started!

**Hijikata**: DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO END THIS ON A LIGHT NOTE! DO YOU REALIZE THE MESS WE'RE IN NOW?! AND STOP GIGGLING TO YOURSELF OVER THERE SOUGO! AND IN WHAT WAY IS ONE SINGLE DAY ENOUGH TO PLAN THE _SHOGUN__'__S_ SURPRISE COMMONER STYLE BIRTHDAY PARTY?! AND THAT FUCKING OLD MAN…MAKING SHITTY PUNS AT OUR EXPENSE. IT'S NOT HIS HEAD THE SHOGUN WILL BE SLICING OFF IF THIS GOES WRONG DAMMIT!

**Kondo**: Cheer up Toushi! We can do this.

**Hijikata: **The hell we can. We're as dead as a character who only appears for 2 pages would be if he was going up against the main villain in a manga. This is like the outcome of a fight between Y*mcha and Super G*geta!

**Sougo: **Hijikata-san, sorry to interrupt your Dr*gonball Z references but I think I know someone who can help us out.

**Hijikata: **Why do I get the feeling I don't want to know who that person you're talking about is…

TO BE CONTINUED

**Jeez, Hijikata is a shouty tsukkomi lol. Any references you didn't get from this chapter? Well then send me a message! **

**Also, faster releases depend on reviews! I see you there, viewing and not reviewing! Shame on you! **

**Stay cool my friends! H59 x**


	3. Chapter 3 Never Refuse The Tea

**It took me a while to finally get this up, because I'm lazzzzzzzyyyyyyy! I've been busy planning my kidna…I mean marriage to Sorachi-sensei.**

**DISCLAIMER: If I did ever own Gintama I would be able to ascend to the Mayonnaise Kingdom with no regrets, but unfortunately I don't… **

_**Never Refuse The Tea That Has Been Offered To You, It May Be Your Last Cup!**_

_In the Yorozuya__'__s apartment Shinpachi is acting like a housewife as usual._

**Shinpachi: **Tea, Gin-san?

**Gintoki: ***grunt*

**Shinpachi: **Oi! Answer me properly damn it! Kagura-chan? Tea?

**Kagura: **ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!

**Shinpachi**: Knock it off! Do we have to go through this routine every freaking morning?! Are you masters of avoiding the subject? Is whether you want any tea or not really such an annoying subject that you want to avoid it?!

**Gintoki: **Shut up useless four eyes.

**Shinpachi**: OI! DON'T TAKE IT OUT ON ME BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T MANAGE TO BUY JUMP THIS MORNING! WHY DON'T YOU USE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO KICK THAT SICK HABIT!

**Kagura: **DON'T YELL SHINPACHI! THE NEIGHBOURS ARE STILL SLEEPING!

**Gintoki: **YEAH! BE QUIET DAMN IT! AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, JUMP ISNT LIKE A PIMPLE DOWN THERE- IT'S NOT AS SIMPLE AS NOT PICKING AT IT HOPING IT'LL GO AWAY! I CANT JUST CASUALLY STROLL INTO THE HOSPITAL WITH THIS KIND OF PROBLEM DAMN IT!

**Shinpachi: **That's disgusting! Why the hell does it sound like you were talking from experience just now?! Is that what you're going through at this very moment?! You need a different kind of doctor to examine you if you think it's normal to compare a Jump addiction to a spot on your crotch!

**Kagura: **GIN-CHAN KETSUNO ANA IS ON! OH, LOOKS LIKE ITS GOING TO RAIN TODAY!

**Gintoki**: YEAH! I BETTER STAY HOME THIS MORNING. I CAN ALWAYS LOSE AT PACHINKO TOMORROW!

**Shinpachi: **What the hell?! Stop it with the shouting dammit! You guys are making double the noise I was making. Are you idiots?! And don't go to play pachinko if you know you'll lose jackass! Maybe then you'll actually save enough to start paying my salary! The manga has been going on for years now and I cant remember ever being paid once!

**Gintoki**: Patsuan, Patsuan, Patsuan. Surely the experiences you encounter each and every day by my side are payment enough no?

**Shinpachi: **Hell no! Get off your ass and pay me a decent salary you damn bum! I heard you try that line on Otose-san just yesterday! Your tongue is as twisted as your hair! At this rate I'm more likely to read the ending to One Pi*ce in this lifetime than getting a single Yen from you, and we all know that One Pi*ce will even outlive it's own author! At this rate L*ffy will never find One Pi*ce damn it!

**Gintoki**: Oi Shinpachi. Was all this just an excuse for you to rant about One Pi*ece?

**Kagura: **Gin-chan. Even N*ruto and Bl*ach seem to finally be heading toward the end you know. Before you know it, Gintama will be the longest running manga in Jump!

**Gintoki**: Ah. That's impossible. Even now Gintama is barely in Jump, if anything we're hanging on the edge like a stubborn booger…before you know it there wont even be room for us in Akamaru. There's a limit to how many poop jokes a manga-ka can think of you know, even if he is a gorilla. Besides, just when you think it's ending N*ruto will pull another arc out of its ass! N*ruto is like an Uzumaki after all, spiralling and spiralling in an endless spirally spiral!

**Shinpachi: **What a lame pun! And Gin-san. Is that what you really think of Gintama? Poop jokes?! We really are doomed if the main character speaks ill of his own series…

**Gintoki**: The problem with Jump manga these days is that they are too predictable. Nothing but villain after villain showing up and having their asses handed to them. Life isn't as simple as that. People lose. It's in their nature to lose. What really makes a person special is their will, their ability to stand up and keep fighting no matter how much life keeps pushing them back down into the mud. Having no obstacles to overcome or overcoming those obstacles easily doesn't make people stronger, it just means that at the end of it all, their victory doesn't mean half as much as it does to those who worked and worked for it and overcame despite their own weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

_Gintoki, having been caught up in his monologue fails to realise that neither Shinpachi or Kagura were listening. Nor has he noticed that Kagura has eaten his breakfast while his mind was elsewhere. _

**Gintoki**: Oi! Give me back my breakfast dammit! That was the first proper meal I had in days! I can't survive another day on instant ramen! Am I N*ruto?

**Shinpachi**: Did you just read the stage directions to find out what happened to your breakfast? I'm not going to even bother trying to protect the fourth wall from you idiots.

**Kagura: **Gin-chan. I checked it for poison for you! Be grateful worm!

**Gintoki**: The hell you are, you bottomless pit! If you were checking it for poison, why eat it all? You'd be fired in an instant! Besides, who would want to poison someone as cute and delicate as Gin-san?

**Shinpachi**: You have more than a few enemies Gin-san. And 'cute and delicate'? Really? The only delicate thing in your whole body is your single brain cell. Cute? Psh, pitiful more like!*

**Gintoki**: Shut up useless glasses!

_Kagura, whilst the other two are arguing, suddenly keels over, clutching her pain, obviously in pain. Gintoki sees her condition and gives a high-pitched scream._

**Kagura: **Oww!Gin-chan! Save me, I'm dying because of the poisoned rice! Owwwwwwwwwwwww!

_Shinpachi rushes over to Kagura's side and holds onto her shoulders._

**Shinpachi: **Eh?! Did someone actually try to poison you Gin-san?! Just how hated are you?!

**Gintoki: **S-s-shinpachi-kun…save me! Someone is trying to kill me! They poisoned my rice! They got in my rice, that means they can strike me from anywhere! Not even the rice bowl is a safe haven anymore! I need an antidote! Or a panacea! But, I can never afford the panacea!

**Shinpachi: **Calm down Gin-san! What the hell kind of Shonen Jump hero are you?! You're panicking more than D*raemon! Anyway, shouldn't Kagura-chan be the priority right now, you selfish ass?!

**Kagura: **BURP!

**Shinpachi: **Eh, burp?

**Kagura: **Ah, that's better. I thought I was going to explode. I would have gone boom just like Y*mcha!

**Gintoki/Shinpachi**: …

Gintoki: Kagura…I'll kill you! Shinpachi, you better have a panacea because someone just cast berserk!

Shinpachi: Quit it with the gaming terminology!

Gintoki: Shut up baka-megane!

Kagura: Shut up slime!

Shinpachi: What the hell?! I'm slime to you? And don't just casually butt in like usual! This all started because of you!

_Bickering busily like three school kids over who has the best bento, the Yorozuya fail to hear the rather forceful knock at the door. They miss the second and third knocks as well. Obviously losing patience with the polite approach, Hijikata Toushirou kicks the door open while Okita Sougo smirks sadistically behind him. The Yorozuya are briefly silenced. Gintoki stares at the intruders with deadpan eyes and proceeds to stick his finger in his nose._

**Gintoki**_: _Oh! A wild bastard appeared!

**Hijikata: **Fuck you Yorozuya! Don't make me out to be some kind of Pok*mon!

**Shinpachi: **Oh, Hijikata-san, Okita-san, good Morning. I just brewed some tea, would you like some?

**Hijikata: **No. I don't plan on staying around for a chat.

**Okita: **Coffee for me. I take it as black my soul.

**Hijikata: **Sougo! We don't have time for this shit today! Besides, coffee will never ever be able to advance to that shade of black! There's more chance of H*nter x H*nter completing at least ten chapters before going off on hiatus again.

**Gintoki: **Don't be so hard on Hiatus x Hiatus. It's tough being a manga-ka these days. N*ruto, O*e Piece and Bl*ach get all the glances. Hiatus x Hiatus is the poor, plain girl in the corner while the rest are ganguro*! No wonder they get all the attention kitted out like that!

**Hijikata: **WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT?!

**Shinpachi: **And for that matter, what the heck is Hiatus x Hiatus? That's just stupid!

**Hijikata: **Fuck, you're insane!

**Okita: **Now, now, Toushirou-kun. Don't be so rude to our hosts.

**Hijikata**: Screw you Sougo! Don't act like a mother scolding her son!

_Gintoki leans to address Kagura-chan, hand covering the side of his mouth as though he was speaking to her in secret._

**Gintoki: **Such ill-discipline. Do you think it runs in the family oba-san?

_Kagura mirrors his actions._

**Kagura: **Well Ginko-chan the child does have a sado-bastard for a mother and a gorilla for a father…

**Shinpachi**: Why the hell are you two joining in as gossiping aunts?!

**Okita: **Oi China. I'm not the mother.

**Gintoki: **And yet you don't deny that you're a sado-bastard?

**Hijikata: **ENOUGH!

**Gintoki: **Oi, oi. What the hell is this Omawari-kun? You barge into our precious home like an otaku would barge into a figure shop in Akihabara, and have the audacity to tell us what to do.

**Hijikata: **Shut it, I wouldn't have to shout if you'd be quiet for a damn minute! This place is like the gorilla exhibition in a zoo! You throw your words around like a gorilla would his shit!

**Gintoki: **Funny, coming from a guy taking orders _from_ a shitty gorilla.

**Hijikata: **Fuck you Yorozuya! Go sort out that devil's perm!

**Gintoki**: Shut up, Hijibastard!

**Kagura: **Shut up, Hijibaka!

**Sougo**: Go die Kusotare!*

**Hijikata: **Oi Sougo, don't just casually join in! Just whose side are you…no don't answer that. Fuck, I'm tired of this.

**Shinpachi: **Um, if I may ask. Why are you here Hijikata-san?

**Gintoki: **HUUUUUUUUUH?!

_Gintoki adopts a thuggish expression and leans in close to Hijikata. Kagura then does the same._

**Kagura: **UUUUUUUUUUUUH?!

**Shinpachi: **Stop that! What are you, Yankees from old 80's movies or something?! Uh, please keep going Hijikata-san.

**Hijikata: **Yeah.

_Hijikata pulls a cigarette from a packet in his trousers and lights it coolly. He takes a long drag and then makes to explain their sudden visit. But doesn't get very far as the smug expression on Gintoki's face annoys the crap out of him._

**Hijikata**_: _Sougo…you do it.

**Gintoki: **Not man enough to ask for help?

**Hijikata: **Fuck! we…don't…not need…your help?

**Gintoki:**…

_Gintoki shoves the usual finger up his nose and just stares at the twitching Hijikata._

**Gintoki: **No can do. I've got an appointment to get a straight perm.

_Shinpachi socks Gin over the head._

**Shinpachi: **The hell you do. We all know that you'd just end up sitting on your ass doing nothing as usual.

**Gintoki: **Nonsense. I'll be transformed into an ikemen* before you know it!

**Shinpachi: **What's the point? You're already an 'icky' man.

**Kagura: **Is he even a man Shinpachi? Gin-chan is more like bellybutton fluff- pointless and disgusting and something that leaves a horrible smell after you pick at it.

**Gintoki: **Oi, oi. Is it pick on sensitive Gin-chan day?! Stop it. I'll cry! Is that what you want?! It'll be like Gr*ve of The Fireflies* all over again!

**Sougo: **Danna. Have a tissue.

_Sougo takes a tissue from his pocket. It's covered in dirt and snot._

**Gintoki: **Otaku-kun. Is this some kind of joke?

**Sougo: **Danna, can I hit you?

**Hijikata: **Would all of you just shut up! We don't have time for this shit! Our heads are on the line and you're going to help us out whether you want to or not!

**Gintoki**: I have a date with destiny, so I'll have to pass.

_Hijikata looks ready to bust some heads before Sougo calmly pulls at his sleeve and drags him towards the door. The Yorozuya miss the sadistic look on his face._

**Sougo: **That's too bad huh Hijikata-san? I heard they were serving crab at the buffet…

_Gintoki and Kagura freeze at the mention of crab and Shinpachi sighs as he knows exactly what's coming. Gintoki bursts forward and grabs onto the shoulders of the two Shinsengumi._

**Gintoki: **Now, now. Don't be so ready to leave. Destiny can wait until we've finished helping you out!

**TO BE CONTINUED**

**So here are the references you may not have gotten. Mail me if anything else confused you!**

***Ganguro= Girls who take tanning to an extreme and then use light makeup. Google image them. Basically he's saying that Naruto, Bleach, One Piece etc are heavily made up attention seekers :D**

***2The Japanese word 'kawaii', commonly used for cute, can also mean pitiful.**

***3- Basically shithead.**

***4- ikemen= handsome guy or cool guy.**

***5- Grave of the Fireflies is a Studio Ghibli movie about the effect of the WW2 on a Japanese boy and his family. Really sad stuff.**

**Thanks for reading! SFS x**


End file.
